The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback

Fellowship of Fools: The Game, played in Multiplayer Mode, is a game about building and maintaining relationships. For a relationship to thrive both parties have to develop the skills of relating—open and honest communication, a willingness to be vulnerable, drawing and communicating personal boundaries, and learning the art of giving and receiving feedback.

Giving feedback is a way to offer a reaction or response to a particular process, decision, preference or activity so that someone can know how they performed, or how they did in relation to your personal preferences. Of people getting information essential to keep their efforts on track.

“In its original sense in systems theory, feedback meant the exchange of data about how one part of a system is working, with the understanding that one part affects all others in the system, so that any part heading off course could be changed for the better.”
-Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (1995: 150)

It should be used carefully, to influence or modify a person’s future actions. In many relationships, people can be unclear on how they are doing, how much the other person likes them or their behavior, and can feel insecure and suffer as a result.

Feedback Mod

The Feedback Mod adds the FoF Character Sheets to gameplay. Each player has a Character Sheet for every other player. Think of it like we are all GMs (like in D&D), awarding Experience Points to players. We do so anyway in our heads, scoring answers and actions according to our own personal rubrics. Rather than do so internally and informally, the Feedback Mod helps players do so verbally and with some structure.This Mod adds a whole new layer of challenge and intimacy to play. It helps players practice active listening, drawing and communicating personal boundaries, and the art of giving and receiving feedback.

Print out your own Character Sheets for the Feedback Mod.

Going clockwise from the player that answers a prompt, the other players follow up by giving verbal feedback to their answer and telling them the Experience Points they have awarded, or detracted, that player for it. The player that answered the prompt then gets a quick chance to reply to this Feedback after each instance, and then the next player clockwise gives their Feedback and Experience Points, and so on.

Experience Points

On the Character Sheets that there are three Experience Point Categories. -4 to -2 points are a clear “No.” -1 to +1 are a “Maybe.” +2 to +4 are a “Yes.” For prompts that have (2) next to them you can award -2 to +2 points, for prompts that have (4) next to them you can award -4 to +4 points.

Award Experience Points and record them in the corresponding boxes “Yes” “No” or “Maybe,” then add them to the Total Experience Points box to see how much experience you and the other player have generated through play. The more you play with the same players with the Feedback Mod, the better record you will create of that player’s personality and how well you two have played together over time.

For Example:

Awarding experience points and giving feedback can be about:

How much their answer personally appealed to you
Whether you agree or have shared that experience or thought
Whether it was an appropriate answer to the prompt
How well did they relate their answer to the Situation Prompt in play
How much effort you think they put into their answer
How creative their answer was
Whether it was an appropriate answer with your current level of intimacy
Whether it crossed a personal boundary of yours
Or something else!
It’s up to you!

But it’s also up to you to explain the Experience Points you awarded or detracted and why in your verbal feedback.

Remember, sometimes people make mistakes or just don’t know. Give people the benefit of the doubt, give them honest and empathetic feedback, and they can learn and do better.

Giving Feedback:

Feedback should be used to serve the person to whom you’re giving it, and also as a way for you to draw and communicate your boundaries–what you like to do, how you prefer to communicate, your personal preferences.
Identify any self-centered agendas you may have—like making yourself feel big by making someone else feel small—and try to put those aside.
Identify your own biases–are you more interested in being liked than in giving honest feedback? Don’t try to paint the person with broad strokes and categorize or make generalizations. Do you have the courage and compassion to be honest?
Use the sandwich method–first say something positive, then note something that needs to be improved, then say something else positive again. People are more likely to work on correcting a behavior if they feel like overall they did well and this was just a single blemish. Your goal is to encourage them to get to know you and your preferences, for them to improve in relating to you. If they have more than one serious issue, maybe pick the most serious one for feedback at a time, and pick another time to give them feedback on the others.
Keep your feedback concrete and actionable. Don’t try to read anyone’s mind, stick with actions and words. Don’t tell someone what they’re thinking or feeling, don’t make assumptions about their behavior. We should only comment on a person’s specific behavior.
Keep your feedback clear. Don’t beat around the bush or use euphemisms, be honest and clear with your feedback.
Differing communication styles can sometimes get in your way. We can modify our communication approach when giving feedback so that the listener has the chance to really hear what we have to say. Learn what communication style they prefer to make your feedback more effective.
Don’t make it about doing things just like how you do them. Let the other person figure out how to behave in a comfortable manner that works for them. Different approaches have value. Try to give the person a way to be successful, on their own terms. Give examples of different approaches, focus on offering another viewpoint.
Allow time for a response to your feedback. Feedback is about giving a perspective which the person receiving it doesn’t have. What may seem obvious to you may be news to them. Everyone makes mistakes and deserves a chance to improve.

Receiving Feedback:

Don’t react to the initial sting of negative feedback, it will fade. Sometimes the best response to hearing negative feedback is silence.
Consider the feedback as if you’d discovered it yourself. Try to drown out your ego and give the feedback careful consideration to determine if it was inaccurate or unhelpful. Sometimes the feedback isn’t helpful itself, but leads you a constructive direction.
Be open to feedback, but not too open. Don’t take feedback personally or blow specific negative feedback out of proportion. Everyone has personal preferences, and they won’t always align with your own.
Embrace the idea that you can learn something from everyone.
Always consider the credentials and communication skills of the person giving you feedback and give more weight to those who have experience giving feedback.
Trust that the person giving you feedback has good intentions, and respond in kind. Don’t be suspicious of someone’s motives and build a wall that will repel contact and connection.

Another Perspective

The Artful Critique

By Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence.

An artful critique focuses on what a person has done and can do rather than reading a mark of character into a job poorly done….when people believe that their failures are due to some unchangeable deficit in themselves, they lose hope and stop trying. The basic belief that leads to optimism, is that setbacks or failures are due to circumstances that we can do something about to change them for the better. Harry Levinson, a psychoanalyst turned corporate consultant, gives the following advice on the art of critique, which is intricately entwined with the art of praise.

Be specific. Pick a significant incident, an event that illustrates a key problem that needs changing or a pattern of deficiency, such as the inability to do certain parts of a job well. It demoralizes people just to hear that they are doing “something” wrong without knowing what the specifics are so they can change. Focus on the specifics, saying what the person did well, what was done poorly, and how it could be changed. Don’t beat around the bush or be oblique or evasive; it will muddy the real message. This, of course, is akin to the advice to couples about the “XYZ” statement of a grievance: say exactly what the problem is, what’s wrong with it or how it makes you feel, and what could be changed. “Specificity,” Levinson points out, “is just as important for praise as for criticism. I won’t say that vague praise has no effect at all, but it doesn’t have much, and you can’t learn from it.”
Offer a solution. The critique, like all useful feedback, should point to a way to fix the problem. Otherwise it leaves the recipient frustrated, demoralized, or demotivated. The critique may open the door to possibilities and alternatives that the person did not realize were there, or simply sensitize her to deficiencies that need attention–but should include suggestions about how to take care of these problems.
Be present. Critiques, like praise, are most effective face to face and in private. People who are uncomfortable giving a criticism–or offering praise–are likely to east the burden on themselves by doing it at a distance, such as in a memo. But this makes the communication too impersonal, and robs the person receiving it of an opportunity for a response or clarification.
Be sensitive. This is a call for empathy, for being attuned to the impact of what you say and how you say it on the person at the receiving end. Managers who have little empathy, Levinson points out, are most prone to giving feedback in a hurtful fashion, such as the withering put-down. The net effect of of such criticism is destructive: instead of opening the way for a corrective, it creates an emotional backlash of resentment, bitterness, defensiveness, and distance.

Levinson also offers some emotional counsel for those at the receiving end of criticism. One is to see the criticism as valuable information about how to do better, not as a personal attack. Another is to watch for the impulse toward defensiveness instead of taking responsibility. And, if it gets too upsetting, ask to resume the meeting later, after a period to absorb the difficult message and cool down a bit. Finally, he advises people to see criticism as an opportunity to work together with the critic to solve the problem, not as an adversarial situation.

From: Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books, New York. 1995. (pg. 153-154)

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